THE ALY AWARDS PART 8

And so, we come to the end of this project, just in time for the Oscars tomorrow, which will obviously pale in comparison to my own awards ceremony. I’ve saved the big ones ’til last, folks! Without further ado:

THE AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING ACTING goes to:

The goose in War Horse!

I think if the goose were here today, he would say: “Thank you for this wonderful honour, it has always been a dream of mine to work with Steven Spielberg and this is just the icing on the cake! It’s tough being a goose sometimes, it’s hard to find really good, strong characters to play in Hollywood, and the competition is fierce, but look where I am now! So I’d just like to say, to all the aspiring goose actors out there: YOU CAN DO IT! Believe in your dreams! Oh they’re playing me off, okay okay just quickly, thank you to my agent, my gaggle back home and to God, for making me the goose I am today. HONK HONK.”

Thank you Goose, that was beautiful.

THE ALL OF THE THINGS AWARD FOR JUST BEING THE GODDAMN BEST AT EVERYTHING goes to:

The Artist! This was hands down the movie of the year for me, and deserves all the attention it’s been getting.

I’m sure that if the glorious cast of The Artist were here now, they would say: “…”

And now, to finish off, I better include some Oscar predictions, since I am obviously extremely qualified to do so, and no one else with a blog has ever done this.

Best Picture
The Artist. Because REASONS.

Actress in a Leading Role
This is definitely the toughest category this year, all of the women nominated have disappeared into their roles flawlessly, and picking a winner is splitting hairs. I would like Rooney, Michelle or Glenn to take it home though, because Meryl and Viola have both received plenty of recognition this awards season, and these women all deserve it!

Actor in a Leading Role
Jean Dujardin. Because he’s just the best. If George Clooney wins, SO HELP ME GOD.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Janet McTeer was brilliant and I’d love to see Berenice take it, but it will probably go to Octavia. I’d probably be happier for her if The Help was a better movie.

Actor in a Suporting Role
Christopher Plummer for Beginners (that sounds like a book). In saying that, Kenneth was also wonderful as always.

Directing is a big-name category, but I think Scorsese should take it for Hugo.
Cinematography could go to anyone, I was particularly fond of War Horse though.
Art Direction, Original Score and Costume Design have to go to The Artist.

Best Speech
Jean Dujardin, without a doubt. He will only be challenged if Meryl takes out best actress.

Most Likely to Say Something Charmingly Offensive and Get Away With It
Robert Downey Jr., the darling swine.

Most Likely to be Played Off Stage
Any and all of the foreign winners, or anyone involved in documentaries. Stay classy, Oscars.

Well, we have come to the end of The Aly Awards 2012. I hope you had a marvellous time and learned absolutely nothing! Until next time, goodbye from your illustrious, humble host.

Thank you and good night!

THE ALY AWARDS PART 7

Alright, we’ve got a special edition of the awards today. By all means you should make up your own and inform me of them immediately because I’m sure they are humorous and wonderful.

THE KIRA MCPHERSON AWARD FOR MOST EXCITING CHARACTER CAMEOS goes to:

Midnight in Paris!

“Is that Kathy Bates playing GERTRUDE STEIN??”

THE NICOLA MACRI AWARD FOR MOST TERRIBLE, FACE-WISE, CAST goes to:

Friends with Kids!

What a hideous cast (and even worse photoshop amirite).

THE LOIS MITCHELL AWARD FOR BEST SENSE OF TUMOUR goes to:

50/50!

Not to mention Loising it up by not getting Oscar nominated.

THE EMILY LLOYD AWARD FOR MOST TEA CUP SIGHTINGS IN A SINGLE MOVIE goes to:

The Iron Lady!

It should at least be a tea pot shaped like an elephant!

THE ASH HEITMAN AWARD FOR WEARING A SUIT JUST FOR FUNSIES goes to:

Albert Nobbs!

Classiest bitch on the block.

THE KAREN MACRI AWARD FOR MUMIEST MOVIE goes to:

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel!

The most blindingly obvious target audience ever.

And finally,

THE ALYSHA MACRI AWARD FOR BEST IN FACE goes to:

Tom Hiddleston! 

I congratulate you on your face, sir. Well done.

THE ALY AWARDS PART 6

Alright folks, just a weekend separates us from the Oscars, so here are some more awards celebrating the important things in cinema.

THE MICHAEL FASSBENDER AWARD FOR BEST PYJAMAS goes to:

Oscar in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close! I’m sure Fassy is just thrilled to have his likeness replicated in fabric.

SHARK PYJAMAS. You literally cannot get more awesome.

THE LEAST SEXY NUDITY AWARD goes to:

Sleeping Beauty! Emily Browning is a very attractive young lady who spends most of this movie stark naked, yet they somehow made it so clinical that I can’t think of anything less sexy.

Oh wait, nevermind.

THE SNAKES ON A PLANE AWARD FOR MOST DESCRIPTIVE MOVIE TITLE goes to:

Man on a Ledge! A little creativity would be nice Hollywood, come on.

Gee, I wonder what this film is about?

On the other hand, The Iron Lady unfortunately had nothing to do with Iron Man meeting his match. Disappointing considering Meryl could definitely kick RDJ’s ass.

If we can’t protect Britain, you can be damn sure we’ll avenge it.

THE SENOR CHANG AWARD FOR GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY goes to:

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows! This really doesn’t need an explanation.

Say it with me now!

Honourable mention goes to Beginners: a movie actually about a gay character, and yet nowhere near as outrageously homosexual as Sherlock Holmes. It’s actually sort of impressive.

THE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING BENEDICT CUMBERBATCHERY goes to:

Gary Oldman! Why? I don’t know, who cares. None of these awards mean anything.

With runner-up Colin Firth. Better luck next time Benny.

THE ALY AWARDS PART 5

Today’s awards are under the very well thought out category of ‘miscellaneous’.

THE “I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME THINKING ABOUT LIPSTICK” AWARD FOR DISTRACTINGLY GOOD MAKEUP goes to:

Michelle Williams in My Week With Marilyn! Her makeup was so good you guys. And also she acts good too, it’s the ultimate package.

Goddamn that’s some good eyeshadow.

This film is also tied with J. Edgar for The Surprise Judi Dench Award for Surprise Judi Dench. I love when she just pops up in things.

Bonus Maggie Smith because you can never have too much HBIC.

THE BEST USE OF CLASSICAL MUSIC TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF AN AUDIENCE AWARD goes to:

Melancholia! Seriously I have never been so terrified of Wagner in my entire life.

AAAAAUUURRGH!

THE BRITISH ACTOR BINGO AWARD FOR “HEY IT’S THAT GUY!” goes to:

Tinker Tailor Solider Spy! I love this game.

Hey it’s that guy!

THE WHAT THE FUCK MAN? AWARD FOR HARDEST SCENE TO WATCH goes to:

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo! You know the scene I mean. And now let us not talk of it ever again. Why am I even mentioning it? Because it’s NOT COOL.

Here is something much nicer to look at. You’re welcome.

THE BEST USE OF A WINDMILL TO OBSCURE HORRIFIC DEATHS AWARD FOR NOT TRAUMATISING THE AUDIENCE ANY FURTHER goes to:

War Horse! I’m so glad that movie was done by Disney because I would not have been able to handle gore on top of all that emotional turmoil.

The real hero of the film.

THE ALY AWARDS PART 4

Let’s get some more videos up in hurr today. Trailers! LET’S DO THIS.

THE BEST TRAILER AWARD FOR OMGOMGOMG IS IT DECEMBER YET AAAAURGH I CAN’T DEAL WHERE’S MY INHALER goes to:

The Hobbit! Because duh.

There’s nothing quite like hearing those first couple of notes of that amazing score in the cinema and throwing your popcorn all over your own mother in excitement, while screeching soundlessly and flapping your arms around like you’re an animated penguin with dancing problems.

THE “I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I’M LAUGHING” AWARD FOR MOST INEXPLICABLY HILARIOUS TRAILER goes to:

Madagascar 3! Now, this is possibly just a personal thing but I LOST MY SHIT in the cinema when this came on. I’m talking hooting and crying with laughter while slapping everyone’s knees in a 2.5 minute fit of uncontrollable hysteria.

I’m actually afraid to watch it again in case it kills me this time. You can ask Nicola for confirmation if you think I’m exaggerating.

THE TUMBLR AWARD FOR MOST GIFFED TRAILER goes to:

The Avengers! I’m not joking, you can relive every millisecond of this (beautiful, flawless) trailer in tracked tags, and it would take the gestation period of an elephant to scroll through them all. When a Russian trailer was released with a grand total of 4.5 seconds of new footage, the internet actually broke.

Oh man, Loki’s voiceover at the start still does it for me. HOO BOY SOMEBODY FETCH MY SMELLING SALTS. I’d like to also present this trailer with the prestigious Alysha’s Pants Tent Merit Award, for making the impossible possible.

Tumblr, you have issues. And I appreciate them.

THE ALY AWARDS PART 3

What, again? YES, AGAIN. DEAL WITH IT. Actor edition!

THE “YOU CAN’T BE MAD AT A LONELY, ELDERLY WOMAN PLAYED BY MERYL STREEP” AWARD FOR DISGUSTINGLY GENIUS SYMPATHETIC TACTICS goes to:

The Iron Lady! The sneaky bastards did everything to ensure you couldn’t hate ol’ Maggie Thatcher. SHAMELESS.

How can you hate this face? SHE’S HALLUCINATING HER DEAD HUSBAND FOR GOD’S SAKE.

THE MOST GRATUITOUS USE OF RYAN GOSLING AWARD goes to:

Drive! Seriously, he has like two lines in the whole thing and yet women everywhere were sliding off their chairs. That shiny scorpion jacket should not be so cool.

Honourable mention: The Ides of March. That movie was basically the definition of clever casting to get people to watch a mediocre political film.

Even the weird 80s title font can’t take away from how COOL he is. Ugh.

THE WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST GIVE LEO AN OSCAR ALREADY AWARD goes to:

Leonardo DiCaprio in J. Edgar! He’s pulling out all the stops here, making nothing but Oscar fodder for YEARS. Come on Academy! Look at his sad widdle face!

He wants it so bad.

THE GEORGE CLOONEY AWARD FOR BUILDING A SUCCESSFUL CAREER INVOLVING NO ACTUAL ACTING WHATSOEVER goes to:

George Clooney in The Descendants and The Ides of March. Is the Academy taking crazy pills? There’s nothing there but CHARM, you pervy old men.

Stop trying to win me over, Clooney! IT WON’T WORK.

DAMMIT GEORGE WHAT DID I JUST SAY.

THE TILDA SWINTON AWARD FOR BEING WAY TOO BADASS FOR THE DUMB OSCARS ANYWAY goes to:

Tilda Swinton for We Need To Talk About Kevin. I haven’t even seen this movie yet but TILDA FOR PRESIDENT.

She also talks to horses.

Bonus points for Tilda being chummy with my homeboy Hiddles. I mean really internet, you’re killing me here.

THE ALY AWARDS PART 2

Well, it’s that time again! There are some very prestigious awards up for grabs today, so let’s get right to it!

THE STEPHEN HAWKING AWARD FOR HOW AWESOME IS THE UNIVERSE? feat. BONUS DINOSAURS goes to:

Tree of Life! There was also a storyline in there somewhere, but I’ll take extended footage of deep space over Brad Pitt’s brooding face any day of the week.

Science!

THE FILMING THE ENTIRE MOVIE IN ORANGE AND BLUE AWARD FOR OBVIOUS OSCAR CAMPAIGNING goes to:

Hugo! If you don’t get what I mean, here’s a handy link (it’s a little outdated, these days it’s the For Your Consideration posters that get the gratuitous orange/blue makeovers).

This trailer is basically the whole movie!

THE HOW THE HELL IS SHE DOING THAT? AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN JAW DISLOCATION goes to:

Keira Knightley in A Dangerous Method. It’s a legit question.

Wut.

THE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON AWARD FOR SERIOUSLY WHAT’S HAPPENING? goes to:

Moneyball! I love you Aaron Sorkin, but there is only so much about sports and numbers I can understand.

It might as well have been in Spanish.

Honourable mentions to Tree of Life and Melancholia! It’s been a confusing awards season for me.

Disclaimer: I actually enjoyed all three of those last movies and am really just exaggerating for COMIC EFFECT. Except not really.

The Aly Awards Part 1

In honour of the Oscars airing next week, and the Macri quest to watch all of the big nominated films, I have decided to put together some awards for things I personally find are overlooked. I’ll be posting a round every day until next Monday and I think that by the end we will all agree that The Aly Awards are far more prestigious and thoughtful than the lame Academy Awards.

Just one category today, because it involves VIDEO FOOTAGE so everyone can participate and agree with my excellent taste. Of course, half the fun of this is discussing stuff in the comments so you guys should DO THAT. Or just blindly follow my opinions, either way works for me. So without further ado!

The award for MOST BATSHIT CRAZY OPENING SEQUENCE goes to:

Melancholia! For weirding out the entire cinema!

Honourable mention to The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, for making Gemma and I do this face DDDD: a lot. And for a week’s worth of nightmares, thanks.